So many things

So many things have transpired since my last post. I took my son down to the local arts center to show some of his art work to the curators of a traveling exhibit called the People's Biennial. I took him down there for one reason...  to get experience talking to adults. I figured that this would be a great opportunity because it would be less daunting for him to talk about his artwork. Another reason I took him was because I wanted him to get early experience with rejection.  I know when I was his age if someone didn't "pick me" I would have assumed that I wasn't meant to be an artist. My self esteem was THAT fragile. I wanted to teach my boy that it's a numbers game..   the more times you show your stuff the greater the chances of getting picked and if you don't get picked it doesn't mean anything. It just means that his art and their exhibit weren't a good fit for each other.

Well...  many many people in the city and surrounding cities showed up..   Guess who got picked? My boy.

So my boy's art work as well as animations can be seen in a travelling exhibit called, "The People's Biennial"... it is now at the Portland Museum of Contemporary Art and may be coming to a city near you. Here is a picture the curator e-mailed me from the opening night. It is of someone taking a picture of my boy's art.  Pretty cool!

My son is also attending alternative school and pulling straight A's. You have no idea what this means..  This school has allowed him to build his self-esteem back up.  He's a changed boy. It is so nice to see him feel good about himself and walk with a little bit of a spring in his step.  The teachers at the school are amazing. I went to conferences and you could just tell that each of them (ok all except for two) loved their jobs and loved the kids.  That is priceless.

I am pretty proud of the improvement of my parenting skills as well. I am much more relaxed this year and convicted about the choices I make. Something inside of me wishes I could go back to the beginning and parent all over again with the insight that I now have. That's not the way it works though...  you can't go back, you can only move forward. I had my son at age 20, so basically a child raising a child. I am glad he was able to pull through despite my inexperience.

Cheers!

Celebration!!!

My boy's grades went up across the board. Yay Pace! Yay Patrick Powers! Yay Veronica King...(the Pace Lady)...   and most of all Yay Caleb!!!  Oh yeah... and yay my husband Joe.. he's been doing all of the homework with Caleb. So awesome. One more yay... yay me!!!

Relationship is better. Everything is better. We're all better.

I realize that I still want to join the military.. I do. Not for the country, not for my family, not for anyone but me. I feel it in my bones for some reason. It's where I want to be. but I have a job to complete here first, so I am planning on going National Guard while I attend University full time for the next four years and getting a commission upon graduation and enjoying a career in the military while my boy enjoys his new life of whatever he chooses.

Ahhh... life is good. It's always good, but sometimes I just don't see it.

~C.

PACE

Well..  my boy got a thorough assessement that took over five hours to complete. Finally we found a professional that has some sort of solution to the problems. After 15 years, it's about time.  It seems as though there is a huge gap between his intelligence and processing. So in other words.. we have a smart kid here who's body won't work for him.

That's what PACE aims to improve: his underlying processing. It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? Did he revert inside of himself because nothing made sense or did nothing make sense because he  reverted inside of himself? I think genetics played a role but also the chronic ear infections from age 6 months to present probably didn't help either.

My husband is taking him to work with a coach 1.5 hours three days a week and then working with him at home 3 days a week. I am working those nights so it works out perfectly. My husband is a natural leader and my son doesn't give him any guff.

When I attempted the PACE homework with him, he was not very pleasing to work with. Kind of like how the kids behave at school when a substitute teacher comes in.. 

Anyway...  I applied to volunteer again at Option this summer. God willing they will accept me. I want nothing more than to immerse myself in the place for miracles once again. I know that LOVE is the answer and it is all in me.. so I want to be the change I want to see..  and where else better to work on doing that?

~C.

Love

I love love. You know I love it. I have come to understand however that love being spread in the name of spiritual pursuits and sought after in the name of enlightenment is nothing more than vanity if not first expressed in my own home. You dig? Love starts at home and ultimately radiates out from there.

Patient, kind...  all that good stuff.

~C.

Numb

Well.. I was riding in the car with my son and the song, "Numb," from Linkin Park came on the radio. He turned up the volume... as I listened the waterworks once again began.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I'm Leaking!

It's true. I am absolutely leaking. There are these things called tears that well up in my eyes at least hourly. I am in touch with my emotions. I am not sad.. I am not grief stricken. I am not depressed... I am feeling.  And as my son wondered... do I have a problem with my sinuses. It appears as if nobody has seen this side of me before.

It did not exist. Well it DID exist, but it could not co-exist with my addictive behaviors...   all of which are banished from life now.  I say Bani- shed (as if it were Shakespearean times).  Addictive behaviors from eating, exercising, chewing gum....   and here's a new urge that I have cropping up at moment: shopping.

You all know I hate shopping if you know me at all... too many decisions. AND this is the urge cropping up. That's because it's the only legal addiction left for me to dabble in..  or maybe not. Actually I can think of another one but I'll keep on guard for that one.

Anyway..  I love my life. I am going to Vision Quest counseling with my family. It appears as though I really don't have food issues after all. What I had was an avoidant issue. Dodging  the hot topics in the family dynamic. Now the whole flam damily is going to counseling. Thank God for that.

My hope is for us all to come together and mix up like a great salad. All of us different in taste and texture, but all complementing each other in a big bowl called our family. I am telling you. This is HUGE.

I am on a spiritual journey.. None of which I intentionally planned. I am making my way through the stages to total enlightenment. Weird, huh?

It's true though and I could not proceed without the recent liberation from bondage of myself and my own lack of self-discipline and resolution concerning food. It was clouding my reality. Tainting the progress. It was the pee in my fresh white snow.

Anyway... as usual it's not about the boy. It's about me. He is stimulus rousing my every last sin and wrong-thinking. I do love him. For it is HE... and by HE I mean the spirit that lives within him that is bringing my wrong thinking to light. How, with this knowledge can I curse him who brings enlightenment from within me.

He is my teacher and he is my son.

You'll just have to get used to these air-fairy posts.. because this is who I am.
~C.

Movie Time

OK.. time for mom to get a grip. My boy got asked to go to the movies by a ninth grade girl. He had enough money from picking up dog crap to pay for both of them but he called her up and asked if she had enough money to pay for herself. That's my little miser.

I asked him if he was going to kiss her and he said that she has 6 piercings in her chin so he didn't that he could do that. Good boy.

My husband and I dropped my boy off at the movie theatre and we are so proud that he is being social. He was really afraid to go see Alice In Wonderland because it was 3D and he quite frankly doesn't like stuff jumping out at him....  but he went anyway. He went anyway. He was really proud of himself too. He said he only shreiked twice.

Of course the girl was smoking a cigarette out front of the theatre....  but hey what did we expect? PollyAnna?

Have a good day...  my boy has a three hour appointment on Monday to get tested for the PACE program from Learning Solutions. Then Tuesday we go to see the OTHER Visionquester for some neuro-linguistic programming.

I got two new clients today... so all in all a pretty good day.
~C.

Holy Miracle

You know... sometimes I am so blessed.

I went to another somber teacher conference..  same old song and dance. No effort. Doesn't care. Abrasive... rude..   disrespectful. Same old song and dance. Did I say that already? It's hard to separate the parenting from the child.  I know I am doing what I can, this also leads me to beleive my boy is also doing what he can. Even if all he can do is agree to show up and sit there with his hair covering his eyes.

It's not easy to go to a job that you are failing at every day. It doesn't feel so hot.

This is where I panic and waver and flip flop.  My one side... my badass old school side says throw his rear in military school. He just needs a firm hand. The other side of me says... love is the answer. Son-rise is the answer...  give him the nurturing environment...  bond through unconditional acceptance and INSPIRE him to come out of his shell. Soften him up a bit by giving him the control in the relationship and influence him to want to do better.

I feel like my boy is in full protection/defense mode.

I prayed. I prayed then smiled. I knew the answer was on the way. Faith is what works. Not once in a while... every single time. Faith works. Belief that the Universe wants to help.

This is where the miracle happened. A true miracle that any of you who knows me won't believe.

I was really fretting....  trying to figure out the answer.. How can we fix this? Time is running out! My boy is 15. Life is going to hit him hard if we don't prepare him. It's OUR responsibilty to prepare him for life...   military school? boot camp? .....  It's only when I calmed down that the answer came to me like a water droplet into my brain straight out of the universal pool of intelligence...............

 I know:  NLP!!!!!

Yes... NLP. (neuro-linguistic programming)  I have read about it..  I heard about it. I know of several  people whom I admire and respect that practice it.

There was a course in it through the community education office that I missed. I couldn't make the class because I was working the evenings it was scheduled. I don't give up easily. I contacted the Community Education office and asked them to contact the instructor for me. I told the lady from the office about the struggles I was having at home between my boy and me.  She called the instructor and within an hour or two.. he called me.

He is able to offer counseling or NLP or both to us through his office in the next town over for a reduced fee. It turns out that he needs to accumulate enough hours in this state since he just moved here to accept our insurance so he is looking for people to counsel! 

Get this people...  this is where I get waves of chills over and over..  When I asked him directions to his office he told directions to his business:  Vision Quest Counseling could be found at his website!

Did you hear me? Vision Quest Counseling!!!!  It turns out he has been a counselor on the reservation for 13 years and named his business after Bear Butte where they do all of the Vision Quests!!!

Good things are going to happen. I don't just think it:  I KNOW it!

~VQ
(Visionquester)

Food Issues

Well this week has been THE BEST! Seriously..  Thank you God for enlightening me once again. I am OVER my food issues. How do I know this? Because I decided I was. I guess I have been playing the victim..."I can't control myself." "I am an addict." "Poor me." Blah, blah, blah....    Well I just decided that it was no longer an option to eat away an emotion. There that's done.

Next topic.

Purpose. What is my purpose? I have no clue what my purpose is, but I did find that I LOVE training clients. I absolutely LOVE it. I did find that every single person has the same amount of potential. They all have will, and I get the absolute privelege of giving them the skill. 

I realized through training others that self-discipline is a skill. It can be taught. I teach it in fact. If someone is doing sprints and they stop short of touching the wall... guess what? They get to go back and touch the wall, then they get to do it twice more.

If someone is doing chops and they don't want to fully extend their arms and touch their foot ... guess what? They get to do if five more times perfectly.

That is exactly what you do when you chose to slack...  you add work for yourself and that's what I do with my clients... I give them more work to do to magnify their behavior.

So through teaching my clients the importance of disciplining themselves and immersing themselves 100% to every action they take.. I have learned some great insight.

I don't know my purpose... I feel a bit lost as usual. One thing I do know is that I will not be able to fulfill my ultimate purpose in this life time without self-discipline.

I have told God that I want a BIG project. That is my motto: Go BIG or GO HOME. God told me that I am not ready for a BIG project. I need one thing:  SELF DISCIPLINE in all that I do.

So for now... that IS my main purpose in life. My main purpose is to perfect my self-discipline in all that I do. I now realize that NOTHING can be accomplished without it. Nothing. I also found that the one thing that seems to be imprisoning is actually the one thing that liberates:  Self-discipline.

Cheers!
~C.

Alternative School

Well I was a bit too quick to judge alternative school. I went there with my boy to check it out and believe it or not it is exactly what he needs. Exactly what will benefit him most. There are 90 kids in the whole school. If he isn't doing well academically there will be no place for him to hide. There will be no risk of him getting lost in the shuffle.

What I initially judged as the lesser of two evils seems to have panned out as a Godsend.

~C.

three years

I mapped out my education. I have three years full time to get my Business Administrations degree with an emphasis in marketing. It seems as though I am a bit old to be going to school, but hey in three years I will be three years older anyway and I would prefer to have the degree.

This plan is all dependent upon whether or not  I will be accepted into the Army National Guard. This is everything.

If this doesn't happen... I am going to cry. Yeah.. I will cry. I'll probably pout too.

But then I'll move on and find out that everything happens for a reason... it always does.

My point is that I really, really, really want this and I find it completely frustrating that my fate is in someone elses hands.I do have enough faith to realize that if it wasn't meant to be.. that something 10 x better awaits.

So anyway..  I have to continually remind myself that worry and fretting about this is a useless endeavor. A passtime that only hinders the operation. Forging on confidently and securely knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way is key.

~C.

Time

So... you know I blinked and woke up one day and realized that I was old. Where did the time go? You can't stop the old... or can you?

Well.... I was at the gym doing an exercise that was timed for 60 seconds on the clock. There is a digital clock up on the wall in the abs room and I was watching it intently. I couldn't believe how long one stinking minute was taking. I was watching, watching, watching.....   I couldn't believe it.

Then there is that saying, "A watched pot never boils." So true. It takes like forever.

This is time. Precious time that you can't otherwise find in the day... there it is taking forever when you least want it to.

So what gives?

I figured this out. I was daydreaming, daydreaming, daydreaming distracted by my thoughts. The thoughts that jump from one channel to the other by default. Without any kind of effort or focus.. there they are jumping around unbridled. While I was doing my next set of 60 second timed intervals. This time.. the minute was over in a flash. A flash... no time at all. Blink. Done.

So I experimented.. One time watching the clock being totally and completely present and one time... just letting my thoughts run amuck as usual.

I was present then not present. Present, then not present.

Time was in slow motion... then time was a flash. Day and night. Awake (literally and spiritually), then asleep.

So I figured this from this experimen: If you want to enjoy your life; really make time stand still....  be present. If you want your life to be over in a flash... spend most of your days lost in your thoughts and concerned about the future.

It's that simple. If you don't have enough time... it's simply because YOU are not there. So stay here.. engage and fully commit to every moment. There is no such thing as tomorrow. There is only this moment.. there is only today. Enjoy.

~C.

Sites

Well... I am getting my boy into the PACE program. It's a hardcore intensive intervention to help his brain process things easier. He'll work 3 hours one on one with a coach at the facility and then 3 hours at home. (Might have to get in on this one myself).

I heard from his teacher yesterday and he said that my boy is taking initiative. That in all of the three years he has known him, that this is the best semester he has had. Thank you Son-rise.

You see... when shit goes down, you can either lower your standards for what you want, or actually make every attempt to meet them. I've lowered my standards for me across the board and guess what? It feels like shit.

That's not who I am. I don't settle. I don't take no for an answer. If you tell me no, I tell you goodbye. It's that simple. I do believe with all of my heart that if there is a will there is a way. Absolutely 100%.

Those feelings of frustration and powerlessness are gifts. Those feelings help you to take action. They are a signal, a cue. A RED FLAG! Taking action is power. It really is..

I had a few days of suffering last week... Here's what suffering is:  It is self-created attachment to the thought of how you thought things would be or should be. It is self-created resistance about what actually is. You can suffer all you want.. it's your choice. OR... you can accept the way things are.. which means COME TO TERMS with the way things are and then take action (power) to change them if desired. In other words: Quit your crying and do something about it!

That is what I am doing. I am changing our lives. I love our lives as it is... but I want to feel like I am contributing in a meaningful way. I have been crying on and on about this forever it seems. Sniffle sniffle boo hoo. So THANK GOD I got this wake up call that moved me into self-action and brought me to the absolute opportunity of a lifetime to enter the military.

I hate to speak too soon because my success depends on actually qualifying. They have to deem me fit to fight in every way. Mentally, physically, intellectually.  This is NOT a sure thing.

The only SURE thing is that I want this with all of me. I want this more than the Olympia. Do you hear me? The Olympia would be sweet. The Olympia would be nice.. I would get a kick out of it. BUT THIS IS ME.
This is where I belong and THIS is what I want to be doing.

I believe I can. I believe I would make an excellent Officer. I love to lead, I am a visionary, and I do best when structured. To me structure IS freedom.

Anyway.. if you hunt for my blogs or website, they are MIA. I got an image to uphold and there may just be a little too much skin. May make everyone just a little bit uncomfortable if you know what I mean.

So... have a nice day. Remember that funky mood, those winter blahs, that downright suffering is a GIFT to you to TAKE ACTION. Listen to it and follow your heart.

~C.

All things in motion

All things are in motion.

There will be no empty nest syndrome for mama as she sets out on her new new life about the same time my boy sets out on his new life.

Already talked to the Army recruiter and the local college I will attend. All things are good.

The only regret I have had in this life is that I did not enter the military as an officer. I kicked myself over and over for that one and "wished" I had done it differently.

Who would have guessed that I get a new opportunity. A Do Over! Who get's a Do over in life? Who?
ME: That's who.

Holy crap I love my life and am so thankful. I have led a charmed life. Simply charmed. Sometimes I wake up and have to pinch myself!

Ha.
~C.

P.S. If you want something.. go out and get it. It's already yours. There are actually very few actual limitations. I have found that all of mine have been self-created by my mind. Which is good news, because it's something within my reach to change.

How is this good for me?

Well,
I had a rough week.. but I knew that it was going to create a shift in perspective. I knew it was going to create a shift in my thinking... a much needed shift.  I knew it was a mountain; a challenge for me. I knew it was for my growth and even through the self-created suffering I knew deep down that change was necessary, welcomed, and ultimately inevitable.

I realized all that my husband does for us. I realized how hard he works and how much I take for granted the luxuries of our lifestyle. My head is out of the sand now and I have a new eyes.

All of this came about quite rapidly, but I think my life is aligning the way it is supposed to. I feel it.

I have decided to join the Army if they will take me. I want to take care of my family for once. It's not necessary as my husband is a great provider, but I want to. I want to give back to him, what he has given to me. All in all, I should be able to retire when I am 55 and sit out on Golden Pond writing a best-selling book.

There are a lot of stars in the sky that have to align for me to meet the age requirements and get the career field I want. This may be a long range plan that begins with service in the National Guard and moves to active duty. Ultimately I would prefer to enter as an officer if possible which would require me to finish my degree first and get it done quickly enough to meet the age cut off for entry.

Please say some prayers for us..  so that it will all work out the way I imagined or better.
Cheers to Happy Sunday!
~C.

Government

Well I learned a lot about government that I wasn't interested in whatsoever when I went to grade school. My son asked me to help him study for a big social studies test. THIS IS GOOD. This is good, because he is taking initiative. This is good because typically when I help him study all he really wants is me to do it for him. Not yesterday though.. my boy actually got in the arena and for that we celebrate. We celebrate effort!

So what is success?

It depends.

Where are you coming from and where are you going. Success to me is playing the game... getting in the arena no matter what the outcome. Success is striving. Success is having the faith and tenacity to continue on even when the outcome is not guaranteed. Success is risking your pride. It's knowing that in the end even if the outcome isn't what you originally wanted... that the game was still worth playing.

Perfectionists are the real cowards. This took me a long time to realize. Managing my environment so that I was certain to come out on top. It usually worked too. This strategy to life is also a major factor in maintaining my smallness.  If you want to be the biggest version of yourself, then you are going to have to stretch yourself, reach outside your comfort zone and grow. Go ahead and get comfortable being uncomfortable.. for that is the nature of the game of going big or going home.

I admire my son. He is stretching. He is risking his pride. He is growing into a fine young man.  I told him that I wanted him to have the pick of life's litter. I told him that we have four years left before he graduates from school. A LOT can happen in four years... if you MAKE it happen.  I am determined to MAKE it happen for him...  as long as he is open and willing. My boy knows what's best for him, and his life. He's leading his show and I am the facilitator to a life imagined by him.

Anyway... enough rambling. I haven't had any stress eating issues in the last few days since I actually got off my ass and started doing something about these things that cluttered my mind instead of stewing on them.

Not saying that I won't stress eat tomorrow or the next day... I actually have no idea. All I can do is say that I am committed to overcoming it altogether and transcend my current self.

~C.

Taking my own advice

Yes. I LOVE giving advice. Everyone LOVES a person who is ready, willing, and able to tell them what they "should" do. I am totally being sarcastic here. I know nobody loves that.

Anyway I am quick to give it.. why? Because I am so gosh darn insightful.. but you know what? I realized that I haven't been taking my own advice. I have been dishing it out in the hopes that other people will do what I don't have the balls to do. In some way if I can get someone else to rise up and be empowered in their own life that it will inspire me and light a fire under my own ass to do the same.

So I have to ask myself... who is it that I am really talking to? Am I talking to you or am I talking to myself?

You see I am passionate about certain things, but yet remain fearful. It's so easy to say one thing and so difficult to do. That's why the saying goes, "Easier said, than done."

I am on the cusp of change here. I don't just FEEL like my back is against the wall. But my back is ACTUALLY against the wall. I am in one of those fight or flight situations and you know what, my instinct tells me to fight. Fight, fight, fight and go out there and get what I am worth and make no apologies. None.

I actually do think this is possible now because of all the preaching I have done over the years. The voice I use to cheer others on... some of you have heard it. It is a "take no prisoners" voice and it is firm and it means business and doesn't put up with bullshit. That voice that I have used at the edge of the mat screaming my head off for my teammates in wrestling, the voice that I used to scream my head off at the edge of the track for my fellow teammates in track....  the voice I use to shout at the TV while watching all of the Rocky, Visionquest, Gladiator, Rudy type movies...  watching the Contender...  you name it.

That voice is now shouting at me! Go Cindy Go... DO IT and MAKE NO APOLOGIES!!! IT IS TIME GIRL, NOW GO!!

~C.

I have been thinking

I was reading another gal's blog and she mentioned stress eating.

OK.. this is what I do. I stress eat. If you think about it... it's so silly. I am under stress, and my solution to ease the stress is to eat.  How are those two things related again?  Oh yeah.. when I was a baby I cried and someone stuck a bottle in my mouth... and if I wasn't hungry someone put a plug in my mouth.

So you see.. it's not really that shameful or uncommon for people to eat when they are stressed. It's been going on a loooooong time.

The funny thing is that during contest prep instead of stress eating... we do cardio. Yeah..  we just AVOID all stressful situations by simply NOT BEING THERE and by doing cardio or working out.

Certainly we feel like we have this thing licked. You know... we're feeling great, nothing is bothering us, we are eating healthy..  but one thing is missing:

An appropriate way to DEAL with life. During contest prep.. most of us consume all of our thoughts on the big day. That one big day. That's what we think about. The ACTION we take is a relentless prescription of lifting and cardio. Life is easy.

Then after the big day. After the big shebang... there life is WAITING for you. It's just sitting there waiting and ready to come at you from all different directions at once. Life is tricky. Life can be stressful if you aren't equipped to DEAL. If you don't have the appropriate tools to DEAL.

So that is what I am doing. I am learning the tools to deal with my thoughts, my feelings about life without using food. I am not doing it on my own this time. I am TRUSTING a psychologist to help me sort this out.

This week my assignment when I feel an urge to eat when I am not hungry is to stop and say, "What is the problem?" or "What am I feeling?"  I am not so good at the feelings yet, but asking what the problem is helps me to slow down the thoughts and really think about and identify what the problem actually is.

It seems like when I start thinking about stuff, I can open the floodgates and bombard myself with ALL of life's problems all at once..  then I search for some food to temporarily rescue me. This is going to change.

Not tomorrow or next week...  but with time, persistence, and patience. It will change. I am THAT confident.

~C.

How do I feel?

How do I feel?

Well I feel upset. I feel like my back is against the wall. I feel I get to make two choices and neither of them good options. Have you ever seen the movie Sophie's Choice starring Meryl Streep? Yeah.. she had to make a choice upon arriving to Auschwitz..  a Nazi officer let her choose which of her two children will be sent to death, and which will get to live.

Sometimes there needs to be another choice. A third choice that is the best case scenario, not the lesser of two evils.

I am being a little dramatic about this, but this is how I feel. I feel dramatic. I feel my son is everything to me. I don't want to choose between him attending the local highschool where the class sizes are large, the workload is too much, where he gets lost in the shuffle.... but where his only friend is going......

or  go the alternative school where the class sizes are smaller, the work load is easier, and where many children will be wearing their teathers to school. On one hand I feel like he would be much better loved and accepted by the alternative school kids, but on the other hand I also believe he will be heavily influenced by them as well. Not necessarily a positive thing.

These are my two choices? Clearly I don't have all of the facts about either situation. Clearly I cannot predict the future. Clearly I don't know WHAT will happen....

But one thing I DO know is that I want more choices. I want better choices... and if the best case scenario does not already exist.... then how can it be created????

What IS the best case scenario? 

So maybe I do have  fear of powerlessness. So maybe I don't have the answers. So maybe my thoughts are racing so much in my head that I can't even take a full breath. Me.. relax? Me... chill? Me... clear?

Just so you know how I feel. I feel responsible in some way that it has come to this. I feel like I want my son to have the pick of life's litter, and I feel responsible that he does not. I know I have done the best I could have done, but I also know this:

My best is not good enough.

~C.

Feelings

Apparently I have been a bit detached from my feelings.  I go from physical discomfort to medicating with food in 0.5 seconds on many occasions.

This is fine.. it works. It alleviates the discomfort.

HOWEVER, and there is ALWAYS a HOWEVER.......


I want to do it differently! YES!!!  I HAVE DECIDED TO DO IT DIFFERENTLY!!! ha ha he he


Apparently the thought or feeling that TRIGGERS a physiological response is in most cases silent or barely whispering to me. 

I AM GOING TO AMPLIFY IT BABY... I am turning it up so I can address it like a woman.

So this week's agenda is to recognize any urge or craving I have....  slow down...  don't act brashly and simply listen to my thoughts and feelings.

What am I feeling? What am I feeling? What am I feeling?

This is the first step... but certainly not the last.  It doesn't have to be ALL-OR- NOTHING here. 

It is a start. For that I am thankful. Thankful to one day in the future be able to finally take care of myself once and for all THE WAY I WANT TO DO IT!!!! 

HA!!!!!

I AM FEELING GOOD.
~C.

Fear of Powerlessness

OK.. I honestly didn't think that I operated out of fear. Who me? Nah...  Have you seen me? I'm tough. I have an edge. I have a nice big armour I wear.

However, and there is always a however...  I don't like to be boxed in. I don't like to be trapped. I don't like to have my back against the wall. I avoid those things like the plague.

Avoidance IS FEAR.

It is operating out of the "don't want" mentality.  I don't want this to happen, so I am going to do this. I don't want that to happen so I am going to that.  Get what I am saying? It's behaving reactively instead of proactively. Well... it's reactively proactive. Preventing something that may never come to pass and in the process closing myself off from all of the possibilties that may be positive.

I am keeping myself small and safe. Shielded from the big scary dangerous world......   How? By avoiding it and not fully participating.

Think of it... some of the men that got called up to go fight in the Vietnam War... protected themselves. They ran. They hid..   They escaped to safe ground. They were weak cowards.

Some of those boys... let themselves be vulnerable. Some of those boys went into battle not knowing whether or not they would come out alive and did it anyway. Those boys had to TRUST that they had been trained well enough to do what needed to be done in any circumstance.

Who says vulnerability means weak?

Vulnerability means courage and strength. Willing to take life's shots and trusting themselves to do what is necessary to defend themselves should the need arise.  Not hiding. Not running.

I get it. Thanks Tim for the insight. 

We grow through life's battles, and though I prefer smooth sailing....   I love being prepared for life's riches. I will only receive them when I am prepared to receive them. Preparation comes through experience. Experiencing ALL of life and never running for the border at the first sign of turbulent waters.

OK enough analogies.
G'night.
~C.

Somethings you just can't muscle

You know..   I was spouting off some advice to a friend tonight that I actually had never heard come from me before. I think it was more advice to myself than to him, as it always is. They say we teach what we most need to learn...  Knowing this I listen closely to myself.

I was telling him that I thought anyone would get overwhelmed thinking that they were solely responsible to have the answers. They might mistakenly think they have to read every book under the son and "know" and be "informed" on everything...  ( I do this)  As a human being it's true, we are bound by time and space. There is only so much time in a day to shovel information into the brain...

Lucky for us.. we aren't really real. We are simply manifestations or ideas of the IS. You know? What we do here on earth is not really us doing it. It is our egos. It is our idea of who we are doing all these things. So fill your head all you want with information but please know that ego has no power.  Or maybe it does.. but limited to time and space. (I'm not quite clear on this)

The IS is the collective consciousness. It is from which everything comes. All information already resides there. Every thought that will be thought or has been thought is already there. (or here)

So instead of really trying hard to accumulate as much information as you can and risking the probability of cluttering your head and clouding your vision. Instead of doing that....   simply allow what already exists to come through you.  Be receptive. Be open. Be clear, not cluttered.

There is a time for study.. but not to the detriment of the goal. Paralysis by analysis is a real condition. Know that what you have is enough. Enough to get started down your path. Trusting and knowing that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way.

Being vulnerable is a strength, I have come to learn. (Thanks Tim) Be a soldier... know that you can handle anything that comes your way...   and furthermore know that anything that does come your way is a gift to you. Some great gift disguised as some sort of challenge...  some sort of suffering...  some sort of inconvenience.  So trudge on...  not only trust that you will be able to handle anything.. but take it a step further and really welcome anything.. as it is the path to enlightment and greatness.

Or not.

Or keep yourself an itty bitty manifestation of the IS.

It's all up to you.. it's your trip.

~C.

Holy crap I just figured it out!

OK people. Listen Up. I just friggin' figured out the answers to life's problems.

Let's all agree that Happiness is a Choice. Meaning that happiness does not exist outside of us. We can not find happiness in anything outside of us. Right? Right.

So... when I feel a phsiological pain in my body.. which feels similar to staples pulsing through my veins..  this is uncomfortable. I am not happy. This happens to me ALL the time. I get physical urges for any kind of food that will produce a quick relief to my discomfort.

Has that brought me any kind of real happiness?

NO.  IT HASN'T.

So if I say to myself...  the answer does not lie outside of me. Then I can be certain that food is not really a fix at all.

I am empowered to know that with 100% accuracy that I can change how I feel by how I think.

I am not a victim to these urges. I can absolutely bring myself happiness from within. Relief from within.

Ha.... Life is so good.
~C.

Enlightenment

Enlightenment is what I seek, enlightenment is what I get.

Awareness is the very very very first part of change. You need to be aware of something before you can accept it... then change it if you want.

Today I sought feedback and here is what came of it.

A. I have a fear of being weak and powerless
B. I am defensive
C. Oh... and I am so out of touch with my emotions
D. I am trying to own my weakness, but have a conflict with the desire to keep myself safe
E. Fear of criticism...  ( I don't 100% believe this one.. as I continually put myself out there for judgment and criticism.)
F. Oh and I would be better off if I slowed down
G. Also I am impatient
H. I put a lot of stress on myself

Yeah for awareness!!!! Now comes the fun stuff.

Time to branch out... time to go big or go home.

The artful denial of a problem will not produce conviction; on the contrary, a wider and higher consciousness is required to give us the certainty and clarity we need...

"When we must deal with problems, we instinctively resist trying the way that leads through obscurity and darkness. We wish to hear only of unequivocal results, and completely forget that these results can only be brought about when we have ventured into and emerged again from the darkness. But to penetrate the darkness we must summon all the powers of enlightenment that consciousness can offer; as I have already said, we must even indulge in speculations...

~Carl Jung

The Brain

You know the brain is not that smart. In fact it can't even tell the difference between actually doing something in the physical realm and imagining doing something. Look at the sports psychologists who suggest the athletes do a mental rehearsal of the task before the actual task. I guess there have been some studies done on this topic to prove that it is as effective as performing the actual task.

Anyway.. I started thinking about how this may be affecting my life. I have been accumulating evidence to support the belief that I may be overdramatizing certain situations to my detriment. The first clue I got when was Rhonda at Option told me to listen to my words. I kept using metaphors like, "shooting myself in the foot," "walking myself off a plank," "killing myself with diet and exercise"....   you name it.

I honestly don't think these things are really that big of a deal but apparently my brain doesn't know the difference.

For example I have been considering giving up certain foods that have been known to trigger episodes of uninhibited eating. It's not really that big of deal because it is only a handful of foods, but when I was talking about it the other night with a friend, I referred to it is a "death of a relationship." I referred to it as giving up food, eating, and enjoyment altogether.

This goes back to objective reality versus subjective reality. I am the creator of my reality, so if I keep putting messages of catastrophy out into the Universe.. that is exactly what I will create for myself. I will create suffering where suffering need not exist.

My brain is listening to my thoughts and the Universe is responding.

Change my thinking... change my perspective...  change my life.

Create my own hell, or create my own heaven. It's all up to me.. it is my free will.

Wow, what an enlightening week I've had so far. I am certain it will continue... as it always does.

~C.

addiction

As Rick Ross Ph.D. defines it.. addiction is depence on anything outside of yourself... and as somebody else put it.. maybe Brian Tracy.. not sure, "You can't be interdependent until you are independent."

Well, I want to be interdependent.. as that is the path to success.

Now I have a good reason to give up my dependence on food for fulfillment.

I am not independent until I give up my dependence on food. Not completely... you know, I still need to eat.. but I certainly don't NEED or want to stuff anymore. Like not whatsoever. Like... not at all.

Freedom was my number one value... even though Anthony Robbins made some implication that if you have freedom as a top value then you are most likely rigid and inflexible...  hmm... wonder why that is?

Anyway... freedom cannot exist with dependency, can it? It's like a self-inflicted bondage.

Can security and freedom exist together?  Safe from something other than what is going on right now.. and yet free to do whatever you want.

Ha.... the dependency gives an illusion of safety and security from the thought or feeling that may be too painful to feel, but in reality it is the source of the pain. It is the bondage... 

What is a life without limits..  sounds pretty scary to me. It is a fear of my own power. It's true. A fear that I am somehow a danger to myself if fully unrestrained. 

So this is what addiction is about. Interesting.

~C.

Gluttony

Ahh.. gluttony strikes again. I guess this is the one challenge in my life. The one thing I have habitually caved into in the past.... and still do in one form or another on a daily basis.

Gluttony has been my life. Self-indulgence.

For example today I went to the library to get 5 books. Did you hear that? I said 5. Well... when I got to the library all hell broke loose and title after title I began dropping into my shopping basket (they have shopping baskets at the library now) like I was picking big juicy ripe berries off the bush. 

Intention = big me.  Actual= little me.  The story is the same, different topic/different day.

Will I read all of them or listen to all of them? My history says that I will not. My history says that I will dabble a little in each title...  maybe a paragraph here, or a chapter there, but I typically won't invest myself fully into any certain book. Typically.

Success is done with a definite chief aim as Napoleon Hill puts it. What is my definite chief aim? Total and complete transcendence of my current self... in the mortal realm preferably.

You see this library book gluttony isn't so bad... you see. I am slowly transcending from my,'I need to PURCHASE every book,' at the bookstore so it can sit in my bathroom for weeks to simply borrowing every book. (and of course I would dream of taking a library book in the bathroom with me) ;)

Why the quest for knowledge? Do I really need to know anything to transcend my current self...  no, just like everything else in life. All I have to do is DECIDE to do it. This book gluttony.. this self-indulgence is nothing more than a mating ritual before I get right down to business and just do it.

Funny little humans we are.

lol

~C.

I am going to heal my son, I am going to heal my son

That is what I hear continually from my friend who's little boy has autism. I guess every time I hear him say that.. I kind of wince. I had to take a look at why I was bothering myself by that statement.

Well... truth be told:  I don't think he can heal his son. What I mean by that is that I don't think he, himself has that power over someone else. I think the things he does can greatly influence whether his son decides whether he wants to participate in this realm more fully, more consciously... but I don't really think my friend within himself has special healing powers that he can say, "alacazam".

I do however believe that there are Universal healing powers available to all of us. I do believe that the healing energy exists, not only out there somewhere, but inside as well. Think about it for a minute... what exactly would I be like without my life force. I would be an empty cold shell.

So I believe that since I am an empty cold shell without my life force that the healing powers do not come from me: the shell, but come through me from the Universe... from God.  The extent of how much I allow to flow through depends on how much I allow to flow through literally. I don't have to allow the healing energy to flow through me.. in fact, I can block it at will. I can disallow it. I can do this by thinking, thinking, thinking....  and relying solely on my own knowledge from the very minimal amount of information I have accumulated over a lifetime.

 I can solve problems with my thinking brain from the limited amount of knowledge I have accumulated... or I can defer to Universal power that contains all knowledge and all truth. I can simply trust that it is available to me when I need it.

As far as healing someone with a developmental diffability....   hmmmm....   I do believe that the human body.. the shell, has some differences that make it quite challenging for the spirit to come out... to express itsself fullly. Perhaps the shell... the human body's sensory system makes it almost unbearable to just be. It's much cozier in spirit world for some... the threat potential is low in a world that you can only access through rhythmic meditation... or "isming."

So maybe it's an issue of becoming inviting... so inviting to our children with these special challenges that they are willing to go through the pain of residing in their human bodies just to connect with us. Spirit to spirit.

So as you (the Universal spirit through your human body) become irresistable to your child... to my child. So as I become safe and easy.... and enjoyable to be around... (present)  I believe his spirit will be drawn out.  As his spirit is drawn out... as he leaves his comfort zone.. his coccoon in order to connect with you... your spirit... the healing powers will come through him and he will heal himself.

I think of it as a fiber optic cable.  There is one source of light and it runs through each little cable making it appear as if each little leg of the cable is a separate light, when in fact it is one light source... and many extensions of that light source.

Anyway... those are my thoughts for the day. Did that make sense to anyone?

~C.

New Insight

I was fortunate enough to get snowed in for a few days with a good ol' fashioned midwestern blizzard the final days of 2009. In my restlessness and bordom I listened to the audio book by Anthony Robbins titled, "Awaken the Giant Within." Something he said was very useful to me. This is good.

He said we can change what we associate pain and pleasure to. For example if I want to dodge the gym, or dodge a Son-rise session with my boy it's because I am associating it with the pain of it rather than the pleasure of it. I am associating the actual physical pain of lifting the heavy weights, the "missing out" of a relaxing night at home, the nuissance of going out into the cold to drive there, etc. The alternative would be to only associate my time at the gym to the pleasure of feeling better, pleasure of looking better, pleasure of time alone, pleasure of getting stronger, getting more confident, etc.

It is my choice.

This was great insight because I was able to use this concept this morning as well. Every morning I really resent the alarm going off. I am tucked away neatly in my warm bed and I have no desire to get up. I am tired..and I don't want to experience the pain and stiffness of my body getting up. I am a grump.

I am only associating getting up in the morning with pain.

I can choose differently though. I can associate getting up in the morning with being healthy, wealthy, and wise as the saying goes. I can associate getting up with the pleasure of getting a head start on my day. I can associate getting up with the pleasure of simply being given the opportunity and gift of living one more day.

It's my choice.

From now on, I want to snuff out all of the things I have been associating predominately with pain and see if I can change that association to one of pleasure.

Ohhh the opportunities here are endless!

~C.