It's true. I am absolutely leaking. There are these things called tears that well up in my eyes at least hourly. I am in touch with my emotions. I am not sad.. I am not grief stricken. I am not depressed... I am feeling. And as my son wondered... do I have a problem with my sinuses. It appears as if nobody has seen this side of me before.
It did not exist. Well it DID exist, but it could not co-exist with my addictive behaviors... all of which are banished from life now. I say Bani- shed (as if it were Shakespearean times). Addictive behaviors from eating, exercising, chewing gum.... and here's a new urge that I have cropping up at moment: shopping.
You all know I hate shopping if you know me at all... too many decisions. AND this is the urge cropping up. That's because it's the only legal addiction left for me to dabble in.. or maybe not. Actually I can think of another one but I'll keep on guard for that one.
Anyway.. I love my life. I am going to Vision Quest counseling with my family. It appears as though I really don't have food issues after all. What I had was an avoidant issue. Dodging the hot topics in the family dynamic. Now the whole flam damily is going to counseling. Thank God for that.
My hope is for us all to come together and mix up like a great salad. All of us different in taste and texture, but all complementing each other in a big bowl called our family. I am telling you. This is HUGE.
I am on a spiritual journey.. None of which I intentionally planned. I am making my way through the stages to total enlightenment. Weird, huh?
It's true though and I could not proceed without the recent liberation from bondage of myself and my own lack of self-discipline and resolution concerning food. It was clouding my reality. Tainting the progress. It was the pee in my fresh white snow.
Anyway... as usual it's not about the boy. It's about me. He is stimulus rousing my every last sin and wrong-thinking. I do love him. For it is HE... and by HE I mean the spirit that lives within him that is bringing my wrong thinking to light. How, with this knowledge can I curse him who brings enlightenment from within me.
He is my teacher and he is my son.
You'll just have to get used to these air-fairy posts.. because this is who I am.
~C.
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I love how you write. Keep on feeling and being self-aware. It is the best thing you can do for your son. And I understand trading and addiction for another. Pretty soon there is nothing left and you just have to feel. Not always fun, but a good thing.
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