How do I feel?

How do I feel?

Well I feel upset. I feel like my back is against the wall. I feel I get to make two choices and neither of them good options. Have you ever seen the movie Sophie's Choice starring Meryl Streep? Yeah.. she had to make a choice upon arriving to Auschwitz..  a Nazi officer let her choose which of her two children will be sent to death, and which will get to live.

Sometimes there needs to be another choice. A third choice that is the best case scenario, not the lesser of two evils.

I am being a little dramatic about this, but this is how I feel. I feel dramatic. I feel my son is everything to me. I don't want to choose between him attending the local highschool where the class sizes are large, the workload is too much, where he gets lost in the shuffle.... but where his only friend is going......

or  go the alternative school where the class sizes are smaller, the work load is easier, and where many children will be wearing their teathers to school. On one hand I feel like he would be much better loved and accepted by the alternative school kids, but on the other hand I also believe he will be heavily influenced by them as well. Not necessarily a positive thing.

These are my two choices? Clearly I don't have all of the facts about either situation. Clearly I cannot predict the future. Clearly I don't know WHAT will happen....

But one thing I DO know is that I want more choices. I want better choices... and if the best case scenario does not already exist.... then how can it be created????

What IS the best case scenario? 

So maybe I do have  fear of powerlessness. So maybe I don't have the answers. So maybe my thoughts are racing so much in my head that I can't even take a full breath. Me.. relax? Me... chill? Me... clear?

Just so you know how I feel. I feel responsible in some way that it has come to this. I feel like I want my son to have the pick of life's litter, and I feel responsible that he does not. I know I have done the best I could have done, but I also know this:

My best is not good enough.

~C.

Feelings

Apparently I have been a bit detached from my feelings.  I go from physical discomfort to medicating with food in 0.5 seconds on many occasions.

This is fine.. it works. It alleviates the discomfort.

HOWEVER, and there is ALWAYS a HOWEVER.......


I want to do it differently! YES!!!  I HAVE DECIDED TO DO IT DIFFERENTLY!!! ha ha he he


Apparently the thought or feeling that TRIGGERS a physiological response is in most cases silent or barely whispering to me. 

I AM GOING TO AMPLIFY IT BABY... I am turning it up so I can address it like a woman.

So this week's agenda is to recognize any urge or craving I have....  slow down...  don't act brashly and simply listen to my thoughts and feelings.

What am I feeling? What am I feeling? What am I feeling?

This is the first step... but certainly not the last.  It doesn't have to be ALL-OR- NOTHING here. 

It is a start. For that I am thankful. Thankful to one day in the future be able to finally take care of myself once and for all THE WAY I WANT TO DO IT!!!! 

HA!!!!!

I AM FEELING GOOD.
~C.

Fear of Powerlessness

OK.. I honestly didn't think that I operated out of fear. Who me? Nah...  Have you seen me? I'm tough. I have an edge. I have a nice big armour I wear.

However, and there is always a however...  I don't like to be boxed in. I don't like to be trapped. I don't like to have my back against the wall. I avoid those things like the plague.

Avoidance IS FEAR.

It is operating out of the "don't want" mentality.  I don't want this to happen, so I am going to do this. I don't want that to happen so I am going to that.  Get what I am saying? It's behaving reactively instead of proactively. Well... it's reactively proactive. Preventing something that may never come to pass and in the process closing myself off from all of the possibilties that may be positive.

I am keeping myself small and safe. Shielded from the big scary dangerous world......   How? By avoiding it and not fully participating.

Think of it... some of the men that got called up to go fight in the Vietnam War... protected themselves. They ran. They hid..   They escaped to safe ground. They were weak cowards.

Some of those boys... let themselves be vulnerable. Some of those boys went into battle not knowing whether or not they would come out alive and did it anyway. Those boys had to TRUST that they had been trained well enough to do what needed to be done in any circumstance.

Who says vulnerability means weak?

Vulnerability means courage and strength. Willing to take life's shots and trusting themselves to do what is necessary to defend themselves should the need arise.  Not hiding. Not running.

I get it. Thanks Tim for the insight. 

We grow through life's battles, and though I prefer smooth sailing....   I love being prepared for life's riches. I will only receive them when I am prepared to receive them. Preparation comes through experience. Experiencing ALL of life and never running for the border at the first sign of turbulent waters.

OK enough analogies.
G'night.
~C.

Somethings you just can't muscle

You know..   I was spouting off some advice to a friend tonight that I actually had never heard come from me before. I think it was more advice to myself than to him, as it always is. They say we teach what we most need to learn...  Knowing this I listen closely to myself.

I was telling him that I thought anyone would get overwhelmed thinking that they were solely responsible to have the answers. They might mistakenly think they have to read every book under the son and "know" and be "informed" on everything...  ( I do this)  As a human being it's true, we are bound by time and space. There is only so much time in a day to shovel information into the brain...

Lucky for us.. we aren't really real. We are simply manifestations or ideas of the IS. You know? What we do here on earth is not really us doing it. It is our egos. It is our idea of who we are doing all these things. So fill your head all you want with information but please know that ego has no power.  Or maybe it does.. but limited to time and space. (I'm not quite clear on this)

The IS is the collective consciousness. It is from which everything comes. All information already resides there. Every thought that will be thought or has been thought is already there. (or here)

So instead of really trying hard to accumulate as much information as you can and risking the probability of cluttering your head and clouding your vision. Instead of doing that....   simply allow what already exists to come through you.  Be receptive. Be open. Be clear, not cluttered.

There is a time for study.. but not to the detriment of the goal. Paralysis by analysis is a real condition. Know that what you have is enough. Enough to get started down your path. Trusting and knowing that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way.

Being vulnerable is a strength, I have come to learn. (Thanks Tim) Be a soldier... know that you can handle anything that comes your way...   and furthermore know that anything that does come your way is a gift to you. Some great gift disguised as some sort of challenge...  some sort of suffering...  some sort of inconvenience.  So trudge on...  not only trust that you will be able to handle anything.. but take it a step further and really welcome anything.. as it is the path to enlightment and greatness.

Or not.

Or keep yourself an itty bitty manifestation of the IS.

It's all up to you.. it's your trip.

~C.

Holy crap I just figured it out!

OK people. Listen Up. I just friggin' figured out the answers to life's problems.

Let's all agree that Happiness is a Choice. Meaning that happiness does not exist outside of us. We can not find happiness in anything outside of us. Right? Right.

So... when I feel a phsiological pain in my body.. which feels similar to staples pulsing through my veins..  this is uncomfortable. I am not happy. This happens to me ALL the time. I get physical urges for any kind of food that will produce a quick relief to my discomfort.

Has that brought me any kind of real happiness?

NO.  IT HASN'T.

So if I say to myself...  the answer does not lie outside of me. Then I can be certain that food is not really a fix at all.

I am empowered to know that with 100% accuracy that I can change how I feel by how I think.

I am not a victim to these urges. I can absolutely bring myself happiness from within. Relief from within.

Ha.... Life is so good.
~C.

Enlightenment

Enlightenment is what I seek, enlightenment is what I get.

Awareness is the very very very first part of change. You need to be aware of something before you can accept it... then change it if you want.

Today I sought feedback and here is what came of it.

A. I have a fear of being weak and powerless
B. I am defensive
C. Oh... and I am so out of touch with my emotions
D. I am trying to own my weakness, but have a conflict with the desire to keep myself safe
E. Fear of criticism...  ( I don't 100% believe this one.. as I continually put myself out there for judgment and criticism.)
F. Oh and I would be better off if I slowed down
G. Also I am impatient
H. I put a lot of stress on myself

Yeah for awareness!!!! Now comes the fun stuff.

Time to branch out... time to go big or go home.

The artful denial of a problem will not produce conviction; on the contrary, a wider and higher consciousness is required to give us the certainty and clarity we need...

"When we must deal with problems, we instinctively resist trying the way that leads through obscurity and darkness. We wish to hear only of unequivocal results, and completely forget that these results can only be brought about when we have ventured into and emerged again from the darkness. But to penetrate the darkness we must summon all the powers of enlightenment that consciousness can offer; as I have already said, we must even indulge in speculations...

~Carl Jung

The Brain

You know the brain is not that smart. In fact it can't even tell the difference between actually doing something in the physical realm and imagining doing something. Look at the sports psychologists who suggest the athletes do a mental rehearsal of the task before the actual task. I guess there have been some studies done on this topic to prove that it is as effective as performing the actual task.

Anyway.. I started thinking about how this may be affecting my life. I have been accumulating evidence to support the belief that I may be overdramatizing certain situations to my detriment. The first clue I got when was Rhonda at Option told me to listen to my words. I kept using metaphors like, "shooting myself in the foot," "walking myself off a plank," "killing myself with diet and exercise"....   you name it.

I honestly don't think these things are really that big of a deal but apparently my brain doesn't know the difference.

For example I have been considering giving up certain foods that have been known to trigger episodes of uninhibited eating. It's not really that big of deal because it is only a handful of foods, but when I was talking about it the other night with a friend, I referred to it is a "death of a relationship." I referred to it as giving up food, eating, and enjoyment altogether.

This goes back to objective reality versus subjective reality. I am the creator of my reality, so if I keep putting messages of catastrophy out into the Universe.. that is exactly what I will create for myself. I will create suffering where suffering need not exist.

My brain is listening to my thoughts and the Universe is responding.

Change my thinking... change my perspective...  change my life.

Create my own hell, or create my own heaven. It's all up to me.. it is my free will.

Wow, what an enlightening week I've had so far. I am certain it will continue... as it always does.

~C.

addiction

As Rick Ross Ph.D. defines it.. addiction is depence on anything outside of yourself... and as somebody else put it.. maybe Brian Tracy.. not sure, "You can't be interdependent until you are independent."

Well, I want to be interdependent.. as that is the path to success.

Now I have a good reason to give up my dependence on food for fulfillment.

I am not independent until I give up my dependence on food. Not completely... you know, I still need to eat.. but I certainly don't NEED or want to stuff anymore. Like not whatsoever. Like... not at all.

Freedom was my number one value... even though Anthony Robbins made some implication that if you have freedom as a top value then you are most likely rigid and inflexible...  hmm... wonder why that is?

Anyway... freedom cannot exist with dependency, can it? It's like a self-inflicted bondage.

Can security and freedom exist together?  Safe from something other than what is going on right now.. and yet free to do whatever you want.

Ha.... the dependency gives an illusion of safety and security from the thought or feeling that may be too painful to feel, but in reality it is the source of the pain. It is the bondage... 

What is a life without limits..  sounds pretty scary to me. It is a fear of my own power. It's true. A fear that I am somehow a danger to myself if fully unrestrained. 

So this is what addiction is about. Interesting.

~C.

Gluttony

Ahh.. gluttony strikes again. I guess this is the one challenge in my life. The one thing I have habitually caved into in the past.... and still do in one form or another on a daily basis.

Gluttony has been my life. Self-indulgence.

For example today I went to the library to get 5 books. Did you hear that? I said 5. Well... when I got to the library all hell broke loose and title after title I began dropping into my shopping basket (they have shopping baskets at the library now) like I was picking big juicy ripe berries off the bush. 

Intention = big me.  Actual= little me.  The story is the same, different topic/different day.

Will I read all of them or listen to all of them? My history says that I will not. My history says that I will dabble a little in each title...  maybe a paragraph here, or a chapter there, but I typically won't invest myself fully into any certain book. Typically.

Success is done with a definite chief aim as Napoleon Hill puts it. What is my definite chief aim? Total and complete transcendence of my current self... in the mortal realm preferably.

You see this library book gluttony isn't so bad... you see. I am slowly transcending from my,'I need to PURCHASE every book,' at the bookstore so it can sit in my bathroom for weeks to simply borrowing every book. (and of course I would dream of taking a library book in the bathroom with me) ;)

Why the quest for knowledge? Do I really need to know anything to transcend my current self...  no, just like everything else in life. All I have to do is DECIDE to do it. This book gluttony.. this self-indulgence is nothing more than a mating ritual before I get right down to business and just do it.

Funny little humans we are.

lol

~C.

I am going to heal my son, I am going to heal my son

That is what I hear continually from my friend who's little boy has autism. I guess every time I hear him say that.. I kind of wince. I had to take a look at why I was bothering myself by that statement.

Well... truth be told:  I don't think he can heal his son. What I mean by that is that I don't think he, himself has that power over someone else. I think the things he does can greatly influence whether his son decides whether he wants to participate in this realm more fully, more consciously... but I don't really think my friend within himself has special healing powers that he can say, "alacazam".

I do however believe that there are Universal healing powers available to all of us. I do believe that the healing energy exists, not only out there somewhere, but inside as well. Think about it for a minute... what exactly would I be like without my life force. I would be an empty cold shell.

So I believe that since I am an empty cold shell without my life force that the healing powers do not come from me: the shell, but come through me from the Universe... from God.  The extent of how much I allow to flow through depends on how much I allow to flow through literally. I don't have to allow the healing energy to flow through me.. in fact, I can block it at will. I can disallow it. I can do this by thinking, thinking, thinking....  and relying solely on my own knowledge from the very minimal amount of information I have accumulated over a lifetime.

 I can solve problems with my thinking brain from the limited amount of knowledge I have accumulated... or I can defer to Universal power that contains all knowledge and all truth. I can simply trust that it is available to me when I need it.

As far as healing someone with a developmental diffability....   hmmmm....   I do believe that the human body.. the shell, has some differences that make it quite challenging for the spirit to come out... to express itsself fullly. Perhaps the shell... the human body's sensory system makes it almost unbearable to just be. It's much cozier in spirit world for some... the threat potential is low in a world that you can only access through rhythmic meditation... or "isming."

So maybe it's an issue of becoming inviting... so inviting to our children with these special challenges that they are willing to go through the pain of residing in their human bodies just to connect with us. Spirit to spirit.

So as you (the Universal spirit through your human body) become irresistable to your child... to my child. So as I become safe and easy.... and enjoyable to be around... (present)  I believe his spirit will be drawn out.  As his spirit is drawn out... as he leaves his comfort zone.. his coccoon in order to connect with you... your spirit... the healing powers will come through him and he will heal himself.

I think of it as a fiber optic cable.  There is one source of light and it runs through each little cable making it appear as if each little leg of the cable is a separate light, when in fact it is one light source... and many extensions of that light source.

Anyway... those are my thoughts for the day. Did that make sense to anyone?

~C.

New Insight

I was fortunate enough to get snowed in for a few days with a good ol' fashioned midwestern blizzard the final days of 2009. In my restlessness and bordom I listened to the audio book by Anthony Robbins titled, "Awaken the Giant Within." Something he said was very useful to me. This is good.

He said we can change what we associate pain and pleasure to. For example if I want to dodge the gym, or dodge a Son-rise session with my boy it's because I am associating it with the pain of it rather than the pleasure of it. I am associating the actual physical pain of lifting the heavy weights, the "missing out" of a relaxing night at home, the nuissance of going out into the cold to drive there, etc. The alternative would be to only associate my time at the gym to the pleasure of feeling better, pleasure of looking better, pleasure of time alone, pleasure of getting stronger, getting more confident, etc.

It is my choice.

This was great insight because I was able to use this concept this morning as well. Every morning I really resent the alarm going off. I am tucked away neatly in my warm bed and I have no desire to get up. I am tired..and I don't want to experience the pain and stiffness of my body getting up. I am a grump.

I am only associating getting up in the morning with pain.

I can choose differently though. I can associate getting up in the morning with being healthy, wealthy, and wise as the saying goes. I can associate getting up with the pleasure of getting a head start on my day. I can associate getting up with the pleasure of simply being given the opportunity and gift of living one more day.

It's my choice.

From now on, I want to snuff out all of the things I have been associating predominately with pain and see if I can change that association to one of pleasure.

Ohhh the opportunities here are endless!

~C.