How do I feel?
Well I feel upset. I feel like my back is against the wall. I feel I get to make two choices and neither of them good options. Have you ever seen the movie Sophie's Choice starring Meryl Streep? Yeah.. she had to make a choice upon arriving to Auschwitz.. a Nazi officer let her choose which of her two children will be sent to death, and which will get to live.
Sometimes there needs to be another choice. A third choice that is the best case scenario, not the lesser of two evils.
I am being a little dramatic about this, but this is how I feel. I feel dramatic. I feel my son is everything to me. I don't want to choose between him attending the local highschool where the class sizes are large, the workload is too much, where he gets lost in the shuffle.... but where his only friend is going......
or go the alternative school where the class sizes are smaller, the work load is easier, and where many children will be wearing their teathers to school. On one hand I feel like he would be much better loved and accepted by the alternative school kids, but on the other hand I also believe he will be heavily influenced by them as well. Not necessarily a positive thing.
These are my two choices? Clearly I don't have all of the facts about either situation. Clearly I cannot predict the future. Clearly I don't know WHAT will happen....
But one thing I DO know is that I want more choices. I want better choices... and if the best case scenario does not already exist.... then how can it be created????
What IS the best case scenario?
So maybe I do have fear of powerlessness. So maybe I don't have the answers. So maybe my thoughts are racing so much in my head that I can't even take a full breath. Me.. relax? Me... chill? Me... clear?
Just so you know how I feel. I feel responsible in some way that it has come to this. I feel like I want my son to have the pick of life's litter, and I feel responsible that he does not. I know I have done the best I could have done, but I also know this:
My best is not good enough.
~C.
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Hi Cynthia, I was just looking back at your other blog and found the link to this. You always have such great thoughts. I've been struggling with Jeremiah lately, so it's very interesting to read some of your thoughts and fears regarding raising a child.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that came to my mind when I read this post was a song we sang in church today. Here are the words, you probably already know it, but it's a great song.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.
2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.
I know that when I am struggling with decisions and stuff, if I spend time in prayer and in God's word, I feel like He opens my heart and gives me answers that might not have been clear otherwise.
I'm so happy I found this, because I really really missed reading all of your thoughts, I was going through Cynthia withdrawal :)
Thank you Abby and Cynthia. My own struggles sometimes seem to much, to much to think about......Gods plan will lead me to the way.
ReplyDeleteAbby,
ReplyDeleteYou know I had that thought right after I posted that.. "Why do I think I know everything?" "Why don't I just believe that everything will work out and probably better than I expect.. and part of the bigger plan?" "Why do I go through this time and time again.. forgetting to give it up to Jesus."
Thank You so much for sharing that, Abby!
Love, and Hugs,
~C.