Numb

Well.. I was riding in the car with my son and the song, "Numb," from Linkin Park came on the radio. He turned up the volume... as I listened the waterworks once again began.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I'm Leaking!

It's true. I am absolutely leaking. There are these things called tears that well up in my eyes at least hourly. I am in touch with my emotions. I am not sad.. I am not grief stricken. I am not depressed... I am feeling.  And as my son wondered... do I have a problem with my sinuses. It appears as if nobody has seen this side of me before.

It did not exist. Well it DID exist, but it could not co-exist with my addictive behaviors...   all of which are banished from life now.  I say Bani- shed (as if it were Shakespearean times).  Addictive behaviors from eating, exercising, chewing gum....   and here's a new urge that I have cropping up at moment: shopping.

You all know I hate shopping if you know me at all... too many decisions. AND this is the urge cropping up. That's because it's the only legal addiction left for me to dabble in..  or maybe not. Actually I can think of another one but I'll keep on guard for that one.

Anyway..  I love my life. I am going to Vision Quest counseling with my family. It appears as though I really don't have food issues after all. What I had was an avoidant issue. Dodging  the hot topics in the family dynamic. Now the whole flam damily is going to counseling. Thank God for that.

My hope is for us all to come together and mix up like a great salad. All of us different in taste and texture, but all complementing each other in a big bowl called our family. I am telling you. This is HUGE.

I am on a spiritual journey.. None of which I intentionally planned. I am making my way through the stages to total enlightenment. Weird, huh?

It's true though and I could not proceed without the recent liberation from bondage of myself and my own lack of self-discipline and resolution concerning food. It was clouding my reality. Tainting the progress. It was the pee in my fresh white snow.

Anyway... as usual it's not about the boy. It's about me. He is stimulus rousing my every last sin and wrong-thinking. I do love him. For it is HE... and by HE I mean the spirit that lives within him that is bringing my wrong thinking to light. How, with this knowledge can I curse him who brings enlightenment from within me.

He is my teacher and he is my son.

You'll just have to get used to these air-fairy posts.. because this is who I am.
~C.

Movie Time

OK.. time for mom to get a grip. My boy got asked to go to the movies by a ninth grade girl. He had enough money from picking up dog crap to pay for both of them but he called her up and asked if she had enough money to pay for herself. That's my little miser.

I asked him if he was going to kiss her and he said that she has 6 piercings in her chin so he didn't that he could do that. Good boy.

My husband and I dropped my boy off at the movie theatre and we are so proud that he is being social. He was really afraid to go see Alice In Wonderland because it was 3D and he quite frankly doesn't like stuff jumping out at him....  but he went anyway. He went anyway. He was really proud of himself too. He said he only shreiked twice.

Of course the girl was smoking a cigarette out front of the theatre....  but hey what did we expect? PollyAnna?

Have a good day...  my boy has a three hour appointment on Monday to get tested for the PACE program from Learning Solutions. Then Tuesday we go to see the OTHER Visionquester for some neuro-linguistic programming.

I got two new clients today... so all in all a pretty good day.
~C.

Holy Miracle

You know... sometimes I am so blessed.

I went to another somber teacher conference..  same old song and dance. No effort. Doesn't care. Abrasive... rude..   disrespectful. Same old song and dance. Did I say that already? It's hard to separate the parenting from the child.  I know I am doing what I can, this also leads me to beleive my boy is also doing what he can. Even if all he can do is agree to show up and sit there with his hair covering his eyes.

It's not easy to go to a job that you are failing at every day. It doesn't feel so hot.

This is where I panic and waver and flip flop.  My one side... my badass old school side says throw his rear in military school. He just needs a firm hand. The other side of me says... love is the answer. Son-rise is the answer...  give him the nurturing environment...  bond through unconditional acceptance and INSPIRE him to come out of his shell. Soften him up a bit by giving him the control in the relationship and influence him to want to do better.

I feel like my boy is in full protection/defense mode.

I prayed. I prayed then smiled. I knew the answer was on the way. Faith is what works. Not once in a while... every single time. Faith works. Belief that the Universe wants to help.

This is where the miracle happened. A true miracle that any of you who knows me won't believe.

I was really fretting....  trying to figure out the answer.. How can we fix this? Time is running out! My boy is 15. Life is going to hit him hard if we don't prepare him. It's OUR responsibilty to prepare him for life...   military school? boot camp? .....  It's only when I calmed down that the answer came to me like a water droplet into my brain straight out of the universal pool of intelligence...............

 I know:  NLP!!!!!

Yes... NLP. (neuro-linguistic programming)  I have read about it..  I heard about it. I know of several  people whom I admire and respect that practice it.

There was a course in it through the community education office that I missed. I couldn't make the class because I was working the evenings it was scheduled. I don't give up easily. I contacted the Community Education office and asked them to contact the instructor for me. I told the lady from the office about the struggles I was having at home between my boy and me.  She called the instructor and within an hour or two.. he called me.

He is able to offer counseling or NLP or both to us through his office in the next town over for a reduced fee. It turns out that he needs to accumulate enough hours in this state since he just moved here to accept our insurance so he is looking for people to counsel! 

Get this people...  this is where I get waves of chills over and over..  When I asked him directions to his office he told directions to his business:  Vision Quest Counseling could be found at his website!

Did you hear me? Vision Quest Counseling!!!!  It turns out he has been a counselor on the reservation for 13 years and named his business after Bear Butte where they do all of the Vision Quests!!!

Good things are going to happen. I don't just think it:  I KNOW it!

~VQ
(Visionquester)