I'm going to sleep for a while.
That's the sacrifice I make while following my inner drive. I have to give up my endless analysis, thought, mind chatter.. there is no thinking done when going after what you want. It is all gut. It is raw instinct.
I have so much fun mulling things over in my mind and making connections between seemingly unrelated topics.. but the reality of the situation is that it is only pure uninhibited action that will take me to where I want to go.
~C.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Training
Well... Hmm.... Do I dare put this out there? Might as well.
I hired a dogsitter to come stay at our place while we are out of town for the Holidays. The first thing that became very apparent was that our dog has no social skills... not only that, but it's because of me.
This plays on my self-doubt as a parent because I have a sinking feeling that I may have caused my son's behavior through improper parenting. My husband reassures me that I didn't.. he could just be being nice.
Anyway.. It's the usual problem of me associating love with being nice and letting my dog do whatever she wants. After all I like it when she jumps up on me and puts her legs on my shoulders and hugs me. My son will only do that if bribed. I like it when my dog is so excited to see me. My son ignores me. I think it is cute when my dog steals eating utensils out of the sink and takes him to her special "cave" in the basement to lick clean. I can pretend like I am upset with her, but I am not.
This is all fine and well until someone comes over and we want her to not jump up on them. This is all fine and well until we take her to the dog park and she is so overly excited that she runs and bumps into people. I think she thinks she will get points for knocking people down. She's taken out a lady that relied on a cane to help her walk. Not only that but our final trip to the dog park ended with my dog causing a cute little girl to do a face plant when she ran up from behind and put both her paws up on the girl's back and just went, "dink." Down she went.
Now that you mention it, I only walk my dog at night because she pulls so hard on the leash when we come across any other people or dogs.
So anyway my dog is a brat because I have believe I have loved her too much and let her get away with murder. So there you can see I am associating love with permissiveness. I can see now that love does not have to mean being overly permissive. In fact if I wanted what was best for my dog and what was best for our family I would require my dog to develop manners through proper training.
Now with my son, it's a different story. I am so wavering when it comes to providing discipline. I have always been very good at setting boundaries and providing consequences for him. Here is where I faltered... I was pissed that "he made me discipline him." I didn't want to send him to his room. I didn't want to get into these power struggles with him. I resented him for not behaving the way I wanted him to and making me leave my comfort zone of being the "nice guy." I wanted a sweet relationship with him.
I now realize that I could have provided the clear boundaries, limitations, and guidelines for him to follow and still provided consequences in a sweet way. Not an angry way. I can lovingly send him to his room if he chooses to speak disrespectfully to me. It is him who decides whether he wants to follow the rules and accept the consequences of not doing so. Certainly I would prefer him to choose wisely. Certainly I would like him to take ownership of his choices. Certainly I would like him to take responsibility for the world he creates for himself, but I have to be OK with him even though he does not. I need to detach from that outcome.
In a lot of ways my boy is a typical teenager... he's resistant, he's apathetic, he's rebellious...he's mouthy, he's moody, and he hates our guts. In a lot of ways though he is not typical. That is what I need to sort out. In what way does he need our help to grow into a socially successful adult?
I need to really identify what are his "isms".... what he is using as a self-stimulating repetitive behavior such as talking on and on at us about his special interest, asking the same questions over and over, and over, etc. so that we can join him and use it as a doorway to get to really know him for the first time. Really know him and earn his trust so that we may inspire him to learn the skills necessary for social success.
I learned that I can do anything... God willing. I know how to set and achieve goals. The first step is to assess where he is developmentally using the Son-rise developmental model. Decide where we want him to be. Then strategize by developing a comprehensive plan to get there. We are going to bridge the gap between where he is and where we want him to be. A marathon is run by taking one small step at a time and focusing on the very next step and only the next step. If you were to think of running 26 miles, you would become overwhelmed by the enormity of the task.... so we are going to map out our course and take one small step at a time. Not only that but we are going to put our heart and soul into every moment of every small step.
~C.
I hired a dogsitter to come stay at our place while we are out of town for the Holidays. The first thing that became very apparent was that our dog has no social skills... not only that, but it's because of me.
This plays on my self-doubt as a parent because I have a sinking feeling that I may have caused my son's behavior through improper parenting. My husband reassures me that I didn't.. he could just be being nice.
Anyway.. It's the usual problem of me associating love with being nice and letting my dog do whatever she wants. After all I like it when she jumps up on me and puts her legs on my shoulders and hugs me. My son will only do that if bribed. I like it when my dog is so excited to see me. My son ignores me. I think it is cute when my dog steals eating utensils out of the sink and takes him to her special "cave" in the basement to lick clean. I can pretend like I am upset with her, but I am not.
This is all fine and well until someone comes over and we want her to not jump up on them. This is all fine and well until we take her to the dog park and she is so overly excited that she runs and bumps into people. I think she thinks she will get points for knocking people down. She's taken out a lady that relied on a cane to help her walk. Not only that but our final trip to the dog park ended with my dog causing a cute little girl to do a face plant when she ran up from behind and put both her paws up on the girl's back and just went, "dink." Down she went.
Now that you mention it, I only walk my dog at night because she pulls so hard on the leash when we come across any other people or dogs.
So anyway my dog is a brat because I have believe I have loved her too much and let her get away with murder. So there you can see I am associating love with permissiveness. I can see now that love does not have to mean being overly permissive. In fact if I wanted what was best for my dog and what was best for our family I would require my dog to develop manners through proper training.
Now with my son, it's a different story. I am so wavering when it comes to providing discipline. I have always been very good at setting boundaries and providing consequences for him. Here is where I faltered... I was pissed that "he made me discipline him." I didn't want to send him to his room. I didn't want to get into these power struggles with him. I resented him for not behaving the way I wanted him to and making me leave my comfort zone of being the "nice guy." I wanted a sweet relationship with him.
I now realize that I could have provided the clear boundaries, limitations, and guidelines for him to follow and still provided consequences in a sweet way. Not an angry way. I can lovingly send him to his room if he chooses to speak disrespectfully to me. It is him who decides whether he wants to follow the rules and accept the consequences of not doing so. Certainly I would prefer him to choose wisely. Certainly I would like him to take ownership of his choices. Certainly I would like him to take responsibility for the world he creates for himself, but I have to be OK with him even though he does not. I need to detach from that outcome.
In a lot of ways my boy is a typical teenager... he's resistant, he's apathetic, he's rebellious...he's mouthy, he's moody, and he hates our guts. In a lot of ways though he is not typical. That is what I need to sort out. In what way does he need our help to grow into a socially successful adult?
I need to really identify what are his "isms".... what he is using as a self-stimulating repetitive behavior such as talking on and on at us about his special interest, asking the same questions over and over, and over, etc. so that we can join him and use it as a doorway to get to really know him for the first time. Really know him and earn his trust so that we may inspire him to learn the skills necessary for social success.
I learned that I can do anything... God willing. I know how to set and achieve goals. The first step is to assess where he is developmentally using the Son-rise developmental model. Decide where we want him to be. Then strategize by developing a comprehensive plan to get there. We are going to bridge the gap between where he is and where we want him to be. A marathon is run by taking one small step at a time and focusing on the very next step and only the next step. If you were to think of running 26 miles, you would become overwhelmed by the enormity of the task.... so we are going to map out our course and take one small step at a time. Not only that but we are going to put our heart and soul into every moment of every small step.
~C.
Monday, December 21, 2009
He is the teacher
It makes sense that my boy is my teacher and it is almost comical to think that I thought I knew what was best for him. He already has what I have been seeking.
I meditate on a almost daily basis in order to go to that place inside of me that is close to God. My son resides there.
I yearn for the day I literally do not care what people think of me. My son never cared what people thought of him until I taught him the importance of social skills.
I am just now after about 35 years taking off the mask, cutting the bullshit and being who I am.. being genuine, and authentic no matter the consequences. My son has always operated from this place of authenticity..... until I taught him it wasn't polite to do so. Until I provided the stiff consequences.
My son knows what he wants and does what he wants. As a result of doing what he loves, expressing himself fully since the age of 3, he has allowed his divine intelligence to be expressed through his amazing works of art. After second-guessing and doubting myself and being caught in my own mind chatter for the majority of my life....I am just now beginning to go after what I want.
Sometimes I wonder why I would want my son to see the big picture when God is clearly in the details.
I look forward to the lessons that lie ahead.
~C.
I meditate on a almost daily basis in order to go to that place inside of me that is close to God. My son resides there.
I yearn for the day I literally do not care what people think of me. My son never cared what people thought of him until I taught him the importance of social skills.
I am just now after about 35 years taking off the mask, cutting the bullshit and being who I am.. being genuine, and authentic no matter the consequences. My son has always operated from this place of authenticity..... until I taught him it wasn't polite to do so. Until I provided the stiff consequences.
My son knows what he wants and does what he wants. As a result of doing what he loves, expressing himself fully since the age of 3, he has allowed his divine intelligence to be expressed through his amazing works of art. After second-guessing and doubting myself and being caught in my own mind chatter for the majority of my life....I am just now beginning to go after what I want.
Sometimes I wonder why I would want my son to see the big picture when God is clearly in the details.
I look forward to the lessons that lie ahead.
~C.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
To Love is To Be Happy With
I was just sitting at Starbucks reading To Love Is To Be Happy With by Barry Neil Kaufman and without a doubt this is the answer for me. I want to master myself. I want to live "in the attitude" all of the time. I want to operate from the attitude.
I can see that my attitude is the key to reaching my son. When I attended the Son-rise Start Up program back in 2001, I didn't really get it. I thought... yeah, yeah, yeah... but what do I do? I have always been results oriented instead of process oriented. I have always based my happiness on a desirable result. Nine years later I realized that it's not whether you win or lose in life... it is how you play the game. Life is a process, not a race. Now I realize I can most likely get a desirable result because I am operating from happiness not because the happiness is dependent on a desirable result.
It took me a while, but that's OK. Now I know. Now I realize it isn't about how do I fix my son so that I can be happy with him, it's about accepting him as he is. It's about wanting everything and needing nothing. It's about coming from a place of happiness rather than from a place of desperation.
I don't give up on what I want. I persist.
I have dreams for my son... My dream is for him to realize his own dreams. My role is to help him to help himself.
My commitment is to immerse myself in the Option attitude with the intention of becoming the change I want to see. It all starts with me.
~C.
I can see that my attitude is the key to reaching my son. When I attended the Son-rise Start Up program back in 2001, I didn't really get it. I thought... yeah, yeah, yeah... but what do I do? I have always been results oriented instead of process oriented. I have always based my happiness on a desirable result. Nine years later I realized that it's not whether you win or lose in life... it is how you play the game. Life is a process, not a race. Now I realize I can most likely get a desirable result because I am operating from happiness not because the happiness is dependent on a desirable result.
It took me a while, but that's OK. Now I know. Now I realize it isn't about how do I fix my son so that I can be happy with him, it's about accepting him as he is. It's about wanting everything and needing nothing. It's about coming from a place of happiness rather than from a place of desperation.
I don't give up on what I want. I persist.
I have dreams for my son... My dream is for him to realize his own dreams. My role is to help him to help himself.
My commitment is to immerse myself in the Option attitude with the intention of becoming the change I want to see. It all starts with me.
~C.
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