Numb

Well.. I was riding in the car with my son and the song, "Numb," from Linkin Park came on the radio. He turned up the volume... as I listened the waterworks once again began.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I'm Leaking!

It's true. I am absolutely leaking. There are these things called tears that well up in my eyes at least hourly. I am in touch with my emotions. I am not sad.. I am not grief stricken. I am not depressed... I am feeling.  And as my son wondered... do I have a problem with my sinuses. It appears as if nobody has seen this side of me before.

It did not exist. Well it DID exist, but it could not co-exist with my addictive behaviors...   all of which are banished from life now.  I say Bani- shed (as if it were Shakespearean times).  Addictive behaviors from eating, exercising, chewing gum....   and here's a new urge that I have cropping up at moment: shopping.

You all know I hate shopping if you know me at all... too many decisions. AND this is the urge cropping up. That's because it's the only legal addiction left for me to dabble in..  or maybe not. Actually I can think of another one but I'll keep on guard for that one.

Anyway..  I love my life. I am going to Vision Quest counseling with my family. It appears as though I really don't have food issues after all. What I had was an avoidant issue. Dodging  the hot topics in the family dynamic. Now the whole flam damily is going to counseling. Thank God for that.

My hope is for us all to come together and mix up like a great salad. All of us different in taste and texture, but all complementing each other in a big bowl called our family. I am telling you. This is HUGE.

I am on a spiritual journey.. None of which I intentionally planned. I am making my way through the stages to total enlightenment. Weird, huh?

It's true though and I could not proceed without the recent liberation from bondage of myself and my own lack of self-discipline and resolution concerning food. It was clouding my reality. Tainting the progress. It was the pee in my fresh white snow.

Anyway... as usual it's not about the boy. It's about me. He is stimulus rousing my every last sin and wrong-thinking. I do love him. For it is HE... and by HE I mean the spirit that lives within him that is bringing my wrong thinking to light. How, with this knowledge can I curse him who brings enlightenment from within me.

He is my teacher and he is my son.

You'll just have to get used to these air-fairy posts.. because this is who I am.
~C.

Movie Time

OK.. time for mom to get a grip. My boy got asked to go to the movies by a ninth grade girl. He had enough money from picking up dog crap to pay for both of them but he called her up and asked if she had enough money to pay for herself. That's my little miser.

I asked him if he was going to kiss her and he said that she has 6 piercings in her chin so he didn't that he could do that. Good boy.

My husband and I dropped my boy off at the movie theatre and we are so proud that he is being social. He was really afraid to go see Alice In Wonderland because it was 3D and he quite frankly doesn't like stuff jumping out at him....  but he went anyway. He went anyway. He was really proud of himself too. He said he only shreiked twice.

Of course the girl was smoking a cigarette out front of the theatre....  but hey what did we expect? PollyAnna?

Have a good day...  my boy has a three hour appointment on Monday to get tested for the PACE program from Learning Solutions. Then Tuesday we go to see the OTHER Visionquester for some neuro-linguistic programming.

I got two new clients today... so all in all a pretty good day.
~C.

Holy Miracle

You know... sometimes I am so blessed.

I went to another somber teacher conference..  same old song and dance. No effort. Doesn't care. Abrasive... rude..   disrespectful. Same old song and dance. Did I say that already? It's hard to separate the parenting from the child.  I know I am doing what I can, this also leads me to beleive my boy is also doing what he can. Even if all he can do is agree to show up and sit there with his hair covering his eyes.

It's not easy to go to a job that you are failing at every day. It doesn't feel so hot.

This is where I panic and waver and flip flop.  My one side... my badass old school side says throw his rear in military school. He just needs a firm hand. The other side of me says... love is the answer. Son-rise is the answer...  give him the nurturing environment...  bond through unconditional acceptance and INSPIRE him to come out of his shell. Soften him up a bit by giving him the control in the relationship and influence him to want to do better.

I feel like my boy is in full protection/defense mode.

I prayed. I prayed then smiled. I knew the answer was on the way. Faith is what works. Not once in a while... every single time. Faith works. Belief that the Universe wants to help.

This is where the miracle happened. A true miracle that any of you who knows me won't believe.

I was really fretting....  trying to figure out the answer.. How can we fix this? Time is running out! My boy is 15. Life is going to hit him hard if we don't prepare him. It's OUR responsibilty to prepare him for life...   military school? boot camp? .....  It's only when I calmed down that the answer came to me like a water droplet into my brain straight out of the universal pool of intelligence...............

 I know:  NLP!!!!!

Yes... NLP. (neuro-linguistic programming)  I have read about it..  I heard about it. I know of several  people whom I admire and respect that practice it.

There was a course in it through the community education office that I missed. I couldn't make the class because I was working the evenings it was scheduled. I don't give up easily. I contacted the Community Education office and asked them to contact the instructor for me. I told the lady from the office about the struggles I was having at home between my boy and me.  She called the instructor and within an hour or two.. he called me.

He is able to offer counseling or NLP or both to us through his office in the next town over for a reduced fee. It turns out that he needs to accumulate enough hours in this state since he just moved here to accept our insurance so he is looking for people to counsel! 

Get this people...  this is where I get waves of chills over and over..  When I asked him directions to his office he told directions to his business:  Vision Quest Counseling could be found at his website!

Did you hear me? Vision Quest Counseling!!!!  It turns out he has been a counselor on the reservation for 13 years and named his business after Bear Butte where they do all of the Vision Quests!!!

Good things are going to happen. I don't just think it:  I KNOW it!

~VQ
(Visionquester)

Food Issues

Well this week has been THE BEST! Seriously..  Thank you God for enlightening me once again. I am OVER my food issues. How do I know this? Because I decided I was. I guess I have been playing the victim..."I can't control myself." "I am an addict." "Poor me." Blah, blah, blah....    Well I just decided that it was no longer an option to eat away an emotion. There that's done.

Next topic.

Purpose. What is my purpose? I have no clue what my purpose is, but I did find that I LOVE training clients. I absolutely LOVE it. I did find that every single person has the same amount of potential. They all have will, and I get the absolute privelege of giving them the skill. 

I realized through training others that self-discipline is a skill. It can be taught. I teach it in fact. If someone is doing sprints and they stop short of touching the wall... guess what? They get to go back and touch the wall, then they get to do it twice more.

If someone is doing chops and they don't want to fully extend their arms and touch their foot ... guess what? They get to do if five more times perfectly.

That is exactly what you do when you chose to slack...  you add work for yourself and that's what I do with my clients... I give them more work to do to magnify their behavior.

So through teaching my clients the importance of disciplining themselves and immersing themselves 100% to every action they take.. I have learned some great insight.

I don't know my purpose... I feel a bit lost as usual. One thing I do know is that I will not be able to fulfill my ultimate purpose in this life time without self-discipline.

I have told God that I want a BIG project. That is my motto: Go BIG or GO HOME. God told me that I am not ready for a BIG project. I need one thing:  SELF DISCIPLINE in all that I do.

So for now... that IS my main purpose in life. My main purpose is to perfect my self-discipline in all that I do. I now realize that NOTHING can be accomplished without it. Nothing. I also found that the one thing that seems to be imprisoning is actually the one thing that liberates:  Self-discipline.

Cheers!
~C.

Alternative School

Well I was a bit too quick to judge alternative school. I went there with my boy to check it out and believe it or not it is exactly what he needs. Exactly what will benefit him most. There are 90 kids in the whole school. If he isn't doing well academically there will be no place for him to hide. There will be no risk of him getting lost in the shuffle.

What I initially judged as the lesser of two evils seems to have panned out as a Godsend.

~C.

three years

I mapped out my education. I have three years full time to get my Business Administrations degree with an emphasis in marketing. It seems as though I am a bit old to be going to school, but hey in three years I will be three years older anyway and I would prefer to have the degree.

This plan is all dependent upon whether or not  I will be accepted into the Army National Guard. This is everything.

If this doesn't happen... I am going to cry. Yeah.. I will cry. I'll probably pout too.

But then I'll move on and find out that everything happens for a reason... it always does.

My point is that I really, really, really want this and I find it completely frustrating that my fate is in someone elses hands.I do have enough faith to realize that if it wasn't meant to be.. that something 10 x better awaits.

So anyway..  I have to continually remind myself that worry and fretting about this is a useless endeavor. A passtime that only hinders the operation. Forging on confidently and securely knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way is key.

~C.