Been a while

Well it's been a while since my last post. My boy has survived one year of alternative school. Not what I originally wanted for my boy, but it was something that turned out to be a great experience. The class size was super small and the majority of the teachers had a kind and loving spirit.  Here are some before and after pics:

Before alternative school 

After

Furthermore, Bambino has produced an animation that is amazing! It took him 5 months to complete. Check it out:

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_sRe4EadqY&feature=related

So many things

So many things have transpired since my last post. I took my son down to the local arts center to show some of his art work to the curators of a traveling exhibit called the People's Biennial. I took him down there for one reason...  to get experience talking to adults. I figured that this would be a great opportunity because it would be less daunting for him to talk about his artwork. Another reason I took him was because I wanted him to get early experience with rejection.  I know when I was his age if someone didn't "pick me" I would have assumed that I wasn't meant to be an artist. My self esteem was THAT fragile. I wanted to teach my boy that it's a numbers game..   the more times you show your stuff the greater the chances of getting picked and if you don't get picked it doesn't mean anything. It just means that his art and their exhibit weren't a good fit for each other.

Well...  many many people in the city and surrounding cities showed up..   Guess who got picked? My boy.

So my boy's art work as well as animations can be seen in a travelling exhibit called, "The People's Biennial"... it is now at the Portland Museum of Contemporary Art and may be coming to a city near you. Here is a picture the curator e-mailed me from the opening night. It is of someone taking a picture of my boy's art.  Pretty cool!

My son is also attending alternative school and pulling straight A's. You have no idea what this means..  This school has allowed him to build his self-esteem back up.  He's a changed boy. It is so nice to see him feel good about himself and walk with a little bit of a spring in his step.  The teachers at the school are amazing. I went to conferences and you could just tell that each of them (ok all except for two) loved their jobs and loved the kids.  That is priceless.

I am pretty proud of the improvement of my parenting skills as well. I am much more relaxed this year and convicted about the choices I make. Something inside of me wishes I could go back to the beginning and parent all over again with the insight that I now have. That's not the way it works though...  you can't go back, you can only move forward. I had my son at age 20, so basically a child raising a child. I am glad he was able to pull through despite my inexperience.

Cheers!

Celebration!!!

My boy's grades went up across the board. Yay Pace! Yay Patrick Powers! Yay Veronica King...(the Pace Lady)...   and most of all Yay Caleb!!!  Oh yeah... and yay my husband Joe.. he's been doing all of the homework with Caleb. So awesome. One more yay... yay me!!!

Relationship is better. Everything is better. We're all better.

I realize that I still want to join the military.. I do. Not for the country, not for my family, not for anyone but me. I feel it in my bones for some reason. It's where I want to be. but I have a job to complete here first, so I am planning on going National Guard while I attend University full time for the next four years and getting a commission upon graduation and enjoying a career in the military while my boy enjoys his new life of whatever he chooses.

Ahhh... life is good. It's always good, but sometimes I just don't see it.

~C.

PACE

Well..  my boy got a thorough assessement that took over five hours to complete. Finally we found a professional that has some sort of solution to the problems. After 15 years, it's about time.  It seems as though there is a huge gap between his intelligence and processing. So in other words.. we have a smart kid here who's body won't work for him.

That's what PACE aims to improve: his underlying processing. It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? Did he revert inside of himself because nothing made sense or did nothing make sense because he  reverted inside of himself? I think genetics played a role but also the chronic ear infections from age 6 months to present probably didn't help either.

My husband is taking him to work with a coach 1.5 hours three days a week and then working with him at home 3 days a week. I am working those nights so it works out perfectly. My husband is a natural leader and my son doesn't give him any guff.

When I attempted the PACE homework with him, he was not very pleasing to work with. Kind of like how the kids behave at school when a substitute teacher comes in.. 

Anyway...  I applied to volunteer again at Option this summer. God willing they will accept me. I want nothing more than to immerse myself in the place for miracles once again. I know that LOVE is the answer and it is all in me.. so I want to be the change I want to see..  and where else better to work on doing that?

~C.

Love

I love love. You know I love it. I have come to understand however that love being spread in the name of spiritual pursuits and sought after in the name of enlightenment is nothing more than vanity if not first expressed in my own home. You dig? Love starts at home and ultimately radiates out from there.

Patient, kind...  all that good stuff.

~C.

Numb

Well.. I was riding in the car with my son and the song, "Numb," from Linkin Park came on the radio. He turned up the volume... as I listened the waterworks once again began.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I'm Leaking!

It's true. I am absolutely leaking. There are these things called tears that well up in my eyes at least hourly. I am in touch with my emotions. I am not sad.. I am not grief stricken. I am not depressed... I am feeling.  And as my son wondered... do I have a problem with my sinuses. It appears as if nobody has seen this side of me before.

It did not exist. Well it DID exist, but it could not co-exist with my addictive behaviors...   all of which are banished from life now.  I say Bani- shed (as if it were Shakespearean times).  Addictive behaviors from eating, exercising, chewing gum....   and here's a new urge that I have cropping up at moment: shopping.

You all know I hate shopping if you know me at all... too many decisions. AND this is the urge cropping up. That's because it's the only legal addiction left for me to dabble in..  or maybe not. Actually I can think of another one but I'll keep on guard for that one.

Anyway..  I love my life. I am going to Vision Quest counseling with my family. It appears as though I really don't have food issues after all. What I had was an avoidant issue. Dodging  the hot topics in the family dynamic. Now the whole flam damily is going to counseling. Thank God for that.

My hope is for us all to come together and mix up like a great salad. All of us different in taste and texture, but all complementing each other in a big bowl called our family. I am telling you. This is HUGE.

I am on a spiritual journey.. None of which I intentionally planned. I am making my way through the stages to total enlightenment. Weird, huh?

It's true though and I could not proceed without the recent liberation from bondage of myself and my own lack of self-discipline and resolution concerning food. It was clouding my reality. Tainting the progress. It was the pee in my fresh white snow.

Anyway... as usual it's not about the boy. It's about me. He is stimulus rousing my every last sin and wrong-thinking. I do love him. For it is HE... and by HE I mean the spirit that lives within him that is bringing my wrong thinking to light. How, with this knowledge can I curse him who brings enlightenment from within me.

He is my teacher and he is my son.

You'll just have to get used to these air-fairy posts.. because this is who I am.
~C.